


aches and pains

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 03:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15921896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Erwin starts having dreams and thoughts that don't make any sense, until suddenly they do.





	aches and pains

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this cos i'm obsessed with reincarnation au and the idea of levi and erwin finding each other in complicated situations. 
> 
> the most explicit it gets is a scene where erwin's dreaming but it doesn't go into much detail. the fic starts with erwin/marie but it's eruri mostly, about erwin coming to grips with his past memories and realizing who levi is to him. thanks for reading!
> 
> also, a warning before you start: this contains pretty big manga spoilers, from as far up to chapter 105.

Marie is everything Erwin could have wished for. She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever laid eyes upon, with striking green eyes and honey-blonde hair that glimmers in the sunlight. Her stunning features captivated him instantly, but it’s her heart of gold and comforting presence that draws Erwin to her the most, that bright smile which could light up the world. Even after losing her beloved husband, she radiates warmth and compassion for everyone she meets, a selfless angel in a cruel world that took something precious away from her. Erwin is not a spiritual man but he thinks if anyone on this earth deserves the title of saint, it’s Marie.

He’s somewhat surprised that Marie returns his affection – or maybe he’s pretending to be, for the sake of modesty. Erwin’s a very handsome man. He’s been told this countless times, since the childish roundness of his cheeks was replaced with a strong, chiselled jawline and his awkwardly lanky body became toned and masculine. He remembers his mother crying when he left for college that her little boy was all grown up, hugging Erwin and telling him how proud she was, how much she was going to miss him. He smiles at the memory.

The first few months of dating Marie are slow and steady, with Erwin always so busy at work. He has flowers sent to her door with a note to apologize every time he gets caught up with his job and has to cancel their plans. Marie never seems to mind much, and she always plants a chaste kiss to Erwin’s cheek the next time they meet and tells him not to worry about it. She giggles and blushes whenever Erwin compliments her, and it feels almost like they’re two teenagers in puppy love. There’s a rush of excitement every time they’re together that makes Erwin’s head spin. Marie is something he’s sure he doesn’t deserve. It's perfect, almost too good to be true.

Erwin grows fonder of her each day. He learns about her life, her place in the world. She works in a café (that’s how they met – Erwin ordering his latte then slipping his business card to her across the desk, telling her she looked lovely, pleasantly surprised when she texted him that evening). She had a husband, Nile, who she loved dearly. But he got into an accident a couple of years ago and the doctors said there was never any chance of him recovering. It’s a sad story, one Erwin feels all too familiar with. He confides in Marie about his father, whose life was cut short because he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some man – some _boy_ – went for a drive after shooting up and crashed his car into someone crossing the street. That someone was Robert Smith, the person Erwin has always admired more than anyone. He remembers standing in the mortuary looking at his father’s lifeless body, covered in deep cuts and dark bruises, as his mother sobbed into his shirt. There’s a mutual understanding between Erwin and Marie that both of them know the pain of losing someone in such a cruel way, and it brings them closer together.

Marie seems nervous when she tells Erwin about her children, and he understands why. She’s a young widow which is enough to put a lot of men off, and having three kids doesn’t help that. Fortunately Erwin is not like most men. He cares for Marie deeply and wants to take things further with her, so he’s willing to take on the challenge. In all honesty he’s always wanted to be a father, but he’s been so busy with his career he never got around to marrying and having children.

After about three months, when the initial excitement of the relationship has settled and it’s clear it isn’t a fleeting thing, Marie invites Erwin over to meet her children. She warns him as they’re stood on her front porch that whilst the two younger children are eager to be introduced to their mom’s boyfriend, the eldest is anything but. He isn’t even Marie’s, technically. She took him in after his mother, a close friend of hers, died and it became clear sending him to live with relatives wasn’t an option.

“He’s a good kid,” Marie tells Erwin with a wistful sigh, “But he puts up walls, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to scare you away from me.”

“Ah, Marie,” Erwin says, tenderly cupping his lover’s chin in his hand and smiling at her, “Nothing he could possibly do would change how I feel about you.”

They kiss. Then Marie opens the door, and the first thing Erwin hears as he steps into her house and wipes his shoes on the mat is the sound of bass-heavy music coming from upstairs.

“What is that?” he asks, “It’s pretty intense.”

Marie sighs again, her brow creased in a way that makes her look ten years older than she really is. The curse of parenthood.

“I don’t think he even likes the music,” she says, “He just does it to make a point.”

She takes Erwin by the hand, smiling up at him now. Erwin doesn’t think he'll ever get used to the warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest whenever he sees that smile.

Then there’s something tugging at his shirt, and when Erwin looks down he sees an absolutely tiny girl with copper hair in pigtails.

“Well, hello there,” he greets, and he can’t help beaming at the sight of this child who is so short she doesn’t come up to his waist, “You must be Isabel.”

“That’s me!” she states proudly. She has a slight lisp, one that is endearing and adorable. “And you’re Erwin!”

“Hello, Erwin.”

Another child’s voice catches Erwin’s attention, and as he looks up he sees the boy who has joined them in the hallway. He has blond hair like his mother but has light blue eyes, sparkling with curiosity. There’s a serious expression on his face and his eyebrows are knit together in a way that reminds Erwin of photos of himself at that age.

“And you must be Farlan,” he says, “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Farlan smiles gently at him now. “You too.”

The boy offers out his hand, a sign of acceptance, and Erwin shakes it. He’s rather surprised by Farlan’s strong grip and how mature he seems to be for a nine-year-old.

“Mom says a lot of things about you,” Farlan tells him.

Erwin quirks up one eyebrow, looking over at Marie who is trying to hold back a smile. “Oh? Does she? What kind of things?”

“Like… How you’re always kind to her and stuff.”

Isabel giggles. She’s still gripping onto Erwin’s shirt. “Are you gonna be our new dad?” she asks, and the innocence of the question melts Erwin’s heart.

He opens his mouth to speak, but he barely gets a chance.

“No,” a curt voice cuts him off, “He’s not.”

Erwin turns his head. Stood on the staircase above them is a teenage boy with the most murderous scowl Erwin has ever seen in his life and gray eyes that seem like daggers, digging into him. But even with the look of contempt and anger on his face, Erwin can’t help gasping softly in surprise. He isn’t sure why. There’s a feeling of familiarity as he looks at him, some pang in his chest that feels like nostalgia. But of course he’s never seen this boy in his life. This boy with his raven hair styled into an undercut that’s familiar in a way Erwin doesn’t have the words to explain.

“Levi,” he says, and it feels somehow like he’s been holding onto that word for a lifetime.

“ _Erwin_ ,” Levi bites back at him, and it’s full of scorn, almost venomous, “I was wondering when you’d show your face around here.”

“Levi,” Marie warns him, “Give Erwin a chance, okay?”

The boy huffs in annoyance and rolls his eyes. Erwin can’t help staring at him, taking in his appearance. He’s dressed in flannel pajamas with a dark blue robe that comes down past his knees. His arms are folded at his chest, defensive. His pose is another thing that feels familiar. Erwin has no idea why Levi is triggering that reaction from him. Maybe he reminds him of someone he knew years ago, someone he’s forgotten about. But if it was someone that important surely Erwin would _know._

“I told you I want nothing to do with your _boyfriend_.”

“Levi-”

“It’s alright,” Erwin says, keeping his voice as calm as possible. He raises both hands, a show of surrender. “Levi has no obligation to get along with me.”

Levi glares at him more now, if that was even possible. “Don’t play that game with me,” he snaps, then turns quickly on his heel.

Erwin is left feeling thoroughly confused as Levi storms back up the staircase, feet thudding against the steps. He has no idea why his heart is racing or why he has an urge to run after Levi, why he feels a sense of longing as he vanishes from sight. Marie notices his uneasiness and mistakes it for something else.

“He’ll come round,” she assures Erwin, placing a gentle hand on his upper arm, “Eventually. I promise.”

“ _Mom_ ,” Isabel whines, “Why does big bro hate Erwin so much?”

“Levi hates everyone new,” Farlan says, and Marie just sighs.

“Coffee,” she says after a moment, “I’ll make coffee.”

As Erwin sits at the kitchen table, his foot taps restlessly on the tile floor. He can’t get his mind off Levi. There’s a tightness in his chest and it almost feels like there’s a lump in his throat, stopping him from breathing. Marie places a mug of steaming coffee on the table in front of him and Erwin barely registers it.

“You’re crying,” Marie observes, sounding concerned. Erwin wipes his eye with his index finger and she’s right, he’s crying. “Baby, are you okay? I’m sorry about Levi, he’s...”

“I’m fine,” Erwin reassures her, but his voice is strained and he feels lost, no idea what’s going on with him, “I’m alright, sweetpea. I guess it’s just… It’s getting to me, finally meeting your kids. I feel honored.”

“Ah,” Marie says. She kisses his forehead. “You’re a good man, Erwin. Levi will see that soon enough.”

After his coffee, Erwin begins to settle again. He spends the afternoon in the living room with Marie and her two youngest children. Farlan has his head stuck in a book, whilst Isabel demands Erwin’s constant attention. He realizes how much he likes kids. There’s something so sweet about Isabel. There’s a little gap in her teeth (maybe she’ll need braces one day) and soft freckles dusting her nose and cheeks. She’s playful and boisterous, the opposite of Farlan who is reserved and thoughtful.

“She’s certainly a character,” Erwin tells Marie with a chuckle, when Isabel has finally tired of interrogating him.

“Oh, tell me about it. All my friends say it’s because she’s a redhead…” Marie trails off, and sighs. Erwin thinks he’s never heard her sigh this much before. He wraps an arm around her shoulder, kisses her temple.

He doesn’t see Levi again. The kid doesn’t even come downstairs to say goodbye, when Marie calls to him to say Erwin is leaving. The strange feeling of melancholy familiarity leaves Erwin and he laughs about it when he gets home, brushing it off as his mind playing tricks on him. He’s getting old now. Maybe this is just what happens when people get old. He goes to bed, the uneasy feeling replaced by contentment that at least Isabel and Farlan seem to like him.

But then Erwin wakes up, breathless and tears streaming down his cheeks, and suddenly he’s crying out Levi’s name. He repeats the word a few times, fading into a whisper. Then he sobs. His whole body shakes. There’s a terrible ache in his right arm and his heart feels so heavy, like it’s an anchor making him sink to the bottom of the ocean, and he’s drowning. He’s drowning and he’s forgotten how to breathe.

The incident leaves him unable to get back to sleep. He goes and pours himself a glass of whiskey instead, hands trembling as he does so. He spills a little of the brown liquid on the granite counter and the first thing he thinks of is Levi tutting at him and wiping up the mess with fervent determination.

It makes no sense to Erwin and he decides he must be losing his marbles.

After a week, it’s nothing more than a faraway memory. It’s almost like it never happened. Things go on as they usually do. The office is busy, and Erwin has a lot of paperwork to sort out. He’s able to block out thoughts of that night, telling himself they’re insignificant. But then Friday comes and Marie invites him over for dinner, and suddenly he can’t escape the reality anymore.

Levi sits with them at the table, something that is surprising to Erwin. A part of him wishes he’d be disobedient and take his food upstairs instead. As they eat the meal, Marie and the younger kids chatter as Erwin and Levi sit in silence. At one point Erwin catches Levi’s gaze and realizes he’s been staring. The boy quickly looks away, cheeks flushing pink in embarrassment at being caught. In other circumstances maybe Erwin would smile sympathetically because his girlfriend’s teenage son has a crush on him but right now it fills him with a sense of inexplicable dread, a chill that runs all the way down his spine.

Erwin offers to wash the dishes, as Marie takes Isabel for a bath. He scrubs the plates but finds himself distracted, though he can’t focus on anything. His thoughts are going too fast for him to process them. When he feels a gentle hand on his arm he startles, and then the softness turns to nails digging into his skin.

“You’re not cleaning them properly,” Levi all but hisses at him, and then he grabs the plate from Erwin’s hand and mutters, “Fucking bastard.”

Erwin watches intently as the boy continues where he left off, observing how thorough Levi is with his cleaning. He can’t help frowning at the revelation. It would be better if Levi was messy and didn’t care about cleanliness, he thinks. That way the thought that popped into his head last week wouldn’t mean anything.

“What do you have against me?” Erwin questions, not entirely sure he meant to say it out loud. He notices how Levi’s hands freeze and his grip on the plate tightens.

Then Levi shrugs, and goes back to cleaning. “I’m just not a very nice person.”

 _That’s not true, you’re the best person I’ve ever known,_ Erwin thinks. But he’s barely spoken to Levi and knows next to nothing about him.  

That night as he’s sleeping he has a dream. He’s in a field somewhere, plains of grass as far as the eye can see. There’s wind on his face and he thinks he must be riding a horse from how the world seems to fly by. He’s surrounded by horrifying creatures that are almost human but they’re so grotesque, so _big_. Then one of them is biting his arm off and suddenly Erwin wakes up with a yell.

He puts the nightmare to the back of his mind. That’s all it was, after all, even if it felt so real.

He goes to work two days later with the nightmare faded from his memory, but when he reaches the office and is greeted by the sight of his best friend it’s all he can think about. Something about seeing Mike makes Erwin think of those hideous giants again. Mike nods at him and Erwin nods back, then Mike sniffs the air and instead of grinning like he usually would his face contorts into a frown.

“What?” Erwin asks.

“Something’s off with you,” his colleague declares, “Dunno what it is.”

Erwin smiles now, trying to keep Mike off his scent. “Maybe I should have showered this morning.”

_Tch, disgusting._

He doesn’t know where that thought came from. It’s Levi’s voice – rougher and older sounding but still unmistakably Levi’s. Now Erwin’s head is throbbing, he realizes. When Mike leaves he collapses into his leather chair and puts his head in his hands, massaging his temples. The pressure only gets worse as the day goes on and Erwin feels dizzy and disoriented.

“You alright?”

Hange’s voice, one that’s usually full of manic excitement but now sounds gentle and caring, brings him back to reality. How long has he been sat staring at nothing? He looks up at them and gets a sudden stabbing pain in his head again. He winces.

“Headache,” Erwin says, and he wants nothing more than to believe that’s all it is, “I’ll manage.”

“You always do,” Hange tells him, grinning.

_Even without a fucking arm you never stopped fighting, did you?_

Erwin’s eyes widen. He sits there, stunned. The voice had been louder this time. No, not louder. Closer? Or further away? Erwin isn’t sure. But it sounded almost like it was being spoken into his ear, not inside his head, and that worries him greatly.

Hange regards him questioningly for a moment as if trying to read his thoughts. There’s no way he can explain this to them. They’d think him mad.

 _Maybe you are mad._

He shakes his head. If he ignores the voice, maybe it will go away.

“You’re acting weird today,” Hange remarks. They pull down their glasses, the same way they do whenever they’re trying to read someone. “Seriously, I’m worried.”

Erwin shakes his head. “I’ll be fine, I swear.”

“Hm. You should take better care of yourself, Erwin.”

He’s heard those exact words before, he thinks, but he doesn't know when or where or why.

“Anyway,” says Hange, and they place a manila folder onto his desk, “Here’s what I’ve sorted out so far for the new development.”

Erwin opens the file, licking the tip of his thumb and carefully flicking through the sheets of paper. It’s quite a thick stack. It’ll probably take hours to read it all, but he’ll do it. He’s committed to his job and he’s not going to half-ass it, especially since this project is so important for the company.

“Did you meet with our benefactor yet?” Erwin inquires, “The one who’s supposedly funding the whole thing?”

“Yeah. He was a delight as usual.”

Hange puts their index finger above their mouth and wiggles it, mimicking a mustache.

Erwin raises an eyebrow. “It’s Pixis again? I didn’t realize he was so eager to work with us.”

Hange smirks and pats him on the shoulder. “Get some rest tonight, seems like you need it.”

When they leave, Erwin begins skimming over the documents, eyes quickly darting from left to right but still taking in what’s written. He’s always been a fast reader. He remembers students reading aloud in his father’s class, and he’d get frustrated because they’d all read at a much slower pace than him.

His father’s class. Strange. His father was a lawyer.

Erwin shakes his head and sighs, going back to the task at hand. He reads about the development and about how Dot Pixis is singlehandedly paying for it. The company would never be able to survive without people like him, people who recognize the good work they do here. They need all the funding they can get.

_I never liked Pixis. Always thought he was a creepy old pervert._

Erwin grins, still distracted by the documents.

_Still, he was better than Nile. That fucking unicorn prick-_

“Levi,” Erwin warns, and then he frowns as he realizes what he’s doing, what he just said.

He’s talking to himself. No, he’s talking to the non-existent voice of his girlfriend’s foster son, which is a thousand times worse. Not to mention the fact he has no clue what they’re talking about, yet at the same time he understands perfectly. He never even _met_ Nile but he still feels this urge to defend his honor, like he was an old friend.

For the rest of the week, Erwin feels bemused by everything. He wakes up every night in cold sweats but mostly he doesn’t remember what he’d been dreaming about. His headaches keep coming back, and they’re worse whenever he’s around Hange or Mike. The voice of Levi talks to him throughout his days and sometimes, when he’s too focused on something else to contemplate how bizarre it is, Erwin will smile in response.

That Saturday he goes out with Marie and her kids for a picnic. Levi isn’t there, and whilst Erwin is a little relieved he also finds himself yearning for his company. They’ve barely spoken in real life but his imaginary Levi has started to bring him a sense of comfort. He doesn’t tell Marie about any of this, of course he doesn’t, because she’d think he was some kind of freak.

Isabel plays on the swings, and Farlan sits on the picnic blanket beside Erwin and Marie with his portable games console. It’s a nice day. It’s sunny but not too hot, with a pleasant breeze in the air. It reminds Erwin of the day of the 57th expedition beyond the walls – no, wait, what’s he talking about?

“Here,” Marie’s voice distracts him from his thoughts briefly.

She’s holding up a strawberry, dipped in melted chocolate and covered in rainbow sprinkles. Erwin opens his mouth and she feeds it to him. It’s delicious, the strawberry ripe and juicy, the chocolate sweet and smooth. Erwin lets out a hum of approval.

“It’s good,” he says, smiling, “Did you make them?”

Marie smiles back. “With a little help from Levi and Izzy, yes.”

The mention of Levi makes Erwin’s heart feel heavy. His lips twitch and he isn’t sure whether he wants to frown or smile wider. “Levi?”

“I told you, he’s a good kid. He just has trouble connecting to people.”

Erwin imagines a blade against his throat.

“It can’t have been easy for him, after his mom died.”

He imagines Levi glaring at him, telling him he’s going to kill him, pure hatred in his eyes.

“The boy’s been through a lot.”

Then he imagines the lifeless bodies of people he doesn’t know the names of scattered around him and suddenly it’s too much, his head is spinning and he’s losing control. The last thing he hears before he blacks out is Marie saying his name.

 

xxx

 

_A blade pressed to his throat. Pouring rain, it never stops._

_“It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives… Nothing but pawns in your worthless game…”_

_On horseback. A busy town. People staring at him, judging._

_“Commander, was it worth it? Or did our sons and daughters die for nothing again?”_

_Levi kneeling in front of him, eyes dark._

_“Give up on your dreams and die for us… Lead them straight into hell…”_

xxx

 

When he wakes up, his head is pounding like a drum. Thud, thud, thud. He reaches to touch an arm that he expects not to be there – but it is, he’s whole, he’s safe. He’s disoriented and it takes him a while to come to his senses, and that’s when he realizes Levi isn’t here. It’s the first coherent thought he has. _Levi isn’t here_.

“Where’s Levi?” he asks, almost desperate.

Marie places a palm on his forehead and smiles down at him. “Shh, Levi’s at home,” she hushes, “You must have hit your head pretty hard.”

Erwin sighs. “What happened?”

“You passed out. Knocked your head on the tree trunk.”

“Just my luck.”

He’s always been unlucky. Isn’t the number thirteen supposed to be a bad omen? But why would that matter, anyway? It has no significance to him. Or maybe it does. Erwin doesn’t know anything anymore.

“How long was I out for?” he asks. He realizes they’re still in the park, and he’s laying on the picnic blanket with his head on Marie’s lap. He falls in love with her all over again in that moment.

_That’s wrong. You chose your dreams over her, remember?_

“Not long at all,” Marie says, “A few minutes.”

To Erwin, it might as well have been years.

“Let’s go home, sweetie. I’ll take you to see a doctor tomorrow.”

“No need. I don’t think it’s anything serious.”

“Just in case, Erwin.

He sighs. “Alright. Just in case.”

Marie takes him home – _her_ home. Erwin feels lightheaded so he lays on the couch and she drapes a blanket over him, puts a damp cloth on his forehead. She goes to make him some tea (chamomile, she says it’ll help with the pain) and Erwin rests his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

He opens them again. He clutches the side of the couch instinctively, like he’s trying to support himself.

Levi is stood staring at him and his usual icy demeanor is gone, replaced with a look of concern. It’s open, sincere. The type of expression you’d expect from an old friend, not a boy you hardly know who acts like he hates your guts.

“I’m alright,” Erwin says, and he’s surprised he can get anything out.

Levi moves over to the couch and perches on the arm rest. For a moment he reaches out and his fingers brush against the skin of Erwin’s ankle, making him shudder. Then Levi quickly pulls his hand away.

“You worried me,” he says simply, and then he’s leaving before Erwin has a chance to ask him why.

He stays in Marie’s bed that night, but he doesn’t sleep. In the morning she makes him pancakes with maple syrup and bacon, bringing it to him on a tray along with a cup of black coffee and a glass of orange juice.

“You’re an angel,” Erwin says. He leans over to kiss her softly. “My guardian angel.”

_No, that’s me. It always has been._

He scrunches up his eyes, tries to block out the sound of Levi’s voice.

“I’ll leave Izzy and Farlan with the neighbors,” Marie tells him, thankfully not noticing his discomfort, “Usually Levi would look after them but he’s out with his friends. He never really had friends growing up. Since he moved schools he’s been doing better. Joined a group of nice kids. Hardworking kids. I think they’re a good influence on him.”

“That’s good,” Erwin says, and means it.

“It is. Anyway, eat your breakfast or it’ll get cold.”

She takes him to see a doctor. He examines Erwin’s head, runs some tests. Eventually he concludes there’s no serious damage. He tells Erwin to come back if he passes out again but says there’s probably nothing to worry about.

“Is there anything else?” the doctor asks with a warm smile. His voice has hints of an accent. European most likely, which fits his name, _Dr. Grigory Jaeger._ That’s familiar somehow. Like déjà vu. 

Erwin’s ailments have only been getting worse. The headaches, the nightmares, the nonsensical thoughts. But he doesn’t want to talk about them. He feels like he’s losing his mind and he’d rather not have to see a shrink.

“That’s all. Thank you, Doctor Jaeger.”

The doctor shakes his hand, grip firm. “Take care, Erwin.”

Erwin finds himself exhausted, after his restless night of tossing and turning. The first thing he does when he gets home is collapse into bed and it doesn’t take long until he’s asleep.

 

xxx

 

_The whole world has melted away. It’s just Levi. Nothing else matters._

_Levi’s hands roaming his chest, feeling the muscles there. Levi’s mouth kissing his jawline, murmuring against his skin._

_“Erwin…”_

_Levi, Levi, Levi…_

_His lips are soft, so wonderfully soft. He tastes like mint and black tea. His hair feels silky as Erwin runs his hands through it. His body is covered in bruises from where the straps of his harness have been. His eyes shine with lust, reverence, adoration._

_“Levi…”_

_Erwin kisses him all over, claims every part of his beautiful body as his own. Levi’s soft moans and the way he says Erwin’s name makes him think he’s in paradise._

_Levi. Nobody else. It could never be anyone else._

_Just Levi._

xxx

 

When Erwin wakes this time he jolts up in bed, panting. Usually his dreams leave him shivering with cold but now his whole body is hot and his forehead is sticky with sweat. He gets his breath back. When he realizes he’s hard, he feels a wave of nausea. The dreams – or memories, whatever the hell they are – don’t make sense. They’re _real_. That’s what scares Erwin the most, because he doesn’t understand what any of it means. There’s no logical explanation for why he’s having nightmares of a world that doesn't exist and why now he’s dreaming about kissing and touching his girlfriend’s son.

Except it isn’t that Levi. The Levi in his dream was older, with defined muscles and dark circles under his eyes. The Levi in real life is a scrawny seventeen-year-old boy.

Erwin considers breaking up with Marie. Perhaps it’d be for the best, so all of this would go away. But his heart aches when he thinks of never seeing Levi again, and he doubts leaving Marie will miraculously make all of this stop.

Things have changed. He doesn’t expect they can ever go back.

At work on Monday morning, everyone seems to notice there’s something up with him. Mike shoots him a suspicious look after taking a sniff of the air, Hange peers at him curiously through their glasses during a meeting. Erwin finds himself thinking of them both in uniforms, blades gripped tight in their hands as they soar through the air. Effortless, like birds. The wings of freedom on their backs.

He gets a text from Marie, asking him to meet her on his lunch break. _I need to see you_ , she says. Erwin feels sick to his stomach at the thought of seeing her after the incident last night, but he agrees regardless. He doesn’t want to give her a reason to worry.

When lunchtime comes he sits at the café where Marie works, waiting. He taps his fingers on the table and becomes increasingly tetchy as time passes. Eventually, once he’s drained the coffee he bought, he goes to the barista.

“Is Marie Dok here?” he asks.

The barista shakes her head. “She left a while ago,” she says, “She had to take her kids to the dentist, or something.”

Erwin frowns. “Ah, well thank you, anyway.”

He turns around, making his way to leave. But then he sees the short figure stood at the café’s entrance and something in his heart bursts.

“Levi,” he says, “What are you doing here?”

The boy looks agitated. No, not agitated. Apprehensive. His arms are crossed against his chest protectively and his lips are pursed together.

“Isn’t that obvious?”

Erwin sighs. “You sent that text, didn’t you?” he asks, already knowing the answer, “Why?”

Levi shrugs, runs a hand through his hair. “Come sit down.”

Erwin feels hesitant. It’s a bad idea, sitting with Levi in a public place like this. Maybe he’s overthinking it, his guilt about last night catching up with him. But he takes a seat opposite Levi despite himself, not knowing what else to do, not sure why he feels so nervous.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Levi says. His voice is quiet, like he doesn’t want anyone to hear them.

“Do what?”

“You _know_ what. I can tell. It’s written all over your face every time you look at me.”

Erwin scans the room, making sure nobody’s listening in to the conversation. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Levi.”

Levi reaches over to place a hand on his knee. Erwin pushes it away.

“No,” he says, firm, “Stop it.”

“I know you want this too, Erwin.”

“ _Stop_.”

The boy scowls at him. “You know, I’ve been going fucking mad ever since Marie first mentioned you,” he tells Erwin, “Do you know how long I waited?”

Erwin stares at him, brow furrowed, lips pressed together in a tight line.

“I had nightmares as a kid,” Levi continues, “Every damn night. I talked to myself, too. Never had any friends because the only people I needed were inside my head.”

He looks right at Erwin now, his eyes intense. “Then Mom died. I moved in with Marie and Nile. They had Farlan, and… It just made sense after that.”

Things don’t make sense to Erwin right now, not in the slightest, but he listens.

“Isabel was born a few years later. She’s not Nile’s, you know. The red hair was a dead giveaway.”

“Did Marie cheat on him?” Erwin questions, and he hates himself for even asking, for doubting the woman he’s come to cherish so much.

“Yeah,” Levi says, like it’s obvious. Then he scoffs. “Fucking pig deserved it.”

“What did he do?”

“Shot a man dead. Police brutality, you know how it is. That’s why he got killed. I bet Marie told you he was in an accident, yeah? No. He was murdered. Can’t say I blame the fucker who did it.”

Erwin nods slowly, trying to take it all in.

“Nile was so much worse this time,” Levi says through gritted teeth, “Always hated that bastard but _fuck_ , Erwin, I never thought he’d be so… And then I got scared that maybe you’d be different, too. Though somehow I always knew you wouldn't be.”

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Erwin says, and it’s a lie because he’s starting to.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, okay? You remember. I know you remember.”

Titans, the walls, maneuver gear. Yes, Erwin remembers all of it. He’d just been trying to block it all out until now. Pretend it was all a figment of his imagination.

“Captain Levi,” he says. The words feel natural on his lips. “Humanity’s strongest.”

Levi smiles now, looking genuinely uplifted. It warms Erwin’s heart and makes it ache all at once. “So you _do_ remember.”

“I…”

Erwin’s head throbs and it’s a pain he’s never felt before, like lightning surging through every synapse in his brain. It all clicks into place. He remembers.

Erwin Smith, thirteenth commander of the Survey Corps. Levi Ackerman, humanity’s strongest soldier, Erwin’s right hand man. Isabel and Farlan, who died so young. Nile, a friend from his cadet days, and Marie, the girl he left behind to pursue his dreams instead. Hange, Mike, everyone… He remembers it all, remembers everything clearly as if it were yesterday.

And suddenly he can’t control his impulses, can’t stop himself leaping from his chair and pulling Levi in for an embrace, holding him close to his chest. He starts to cry. He thinks maybe Levi’s crying too. There are people staring but he doesn’t register them, doesn’t even care.

“I thought I’d never see you again,” Levi whispers, sounding so much like a scared child that it breaks Erwin’s heart in two, “I waited for _years_ , Erwin.”

“I’m so sorry,” Erwin soothes him. He kisses the top of his head because he has to, it’s only natural. This is his Levi. “I’m so sorry, Levi.”

“It’s been so long, so fucking long.”

Levi’s spent most of his life with these memories. What a terrible burden to bear.

“I wish I could have found you sooner,” Erwin says.

But then he remembers that they aren’t in the Survey Corps anymore. Levi isn’t thirty, he’s a seventeen-year-old boy. Younger than Erwin ever knew him back then. And Erwin himself is thirty-nine, older than he was in Shiganshina when he said his final goodbyes to the soulmate he expected never to see again, because he’d convinced himself he’d be burning in hell whilst Levi would be sent straight to heaven.

“This is so messed up. You’re a kid, Levi…”

“It’s not long till I turn eighteen.”

Just over three months until Christmas day, Levi’s birthday. Marie never told Erwin that, he just knows.

“That doesn’t change much,” Erwin says with a sigh, “It’s still so _wrong_. And Marie… God, Levi, how am I supposed to ever look at her again?”

“You don’t have to. Run away with me.”

Erwin shakes his head, insistent. “No, I can’t. I _can’t_.”

“Then what?” Levi snaps. He looks angry now, eyes brimming with tears. Erwin takes his small hand in his own and squeezes it reassuringly. “What do you want me to do, Erwin? Should I kill myself and hope we’re reincarnated again and this time you aren’t twice my age?”

Over twice his age, Erwin thinks. Awful. Maybe he’s being punished for all the mistakes he’s made, all the people he led to their deaths.

“Keep your voice down,” he warns, “Let’s go home, okay? We can talk there.”

“Home,” Levi echoes, calmer now.

“My home. It’s safer. Come on.”

He drives Levi to his house, and both of them sit in silence in Erwin’s car. Work is all but forgotten, or maybe Erwin just doesn’t care, he has more important things to do right now. When they get in through the front door the first thing Levi does is hug Erwin tight, burying his face into his shirt. Erwin scoops him up and Levi wraps his legs around his waist. He fits perfectly in Erwin’s arms, like he always has.

“I missed you so fucking much,” Levi says. His voice is strained and he’s crying now, sobbing. “I don’t know how I lived without you.”

Erwin isn’t sure whether he means in this life, or in the other one after Erwin died.

“It’s okay, Levi. It’s okay now.”

“It’s not. None of this is okay.”

“I know.”

Erwin sighs. He walks to the couch, carrying Levi in his arms. When he sits down he lets Levi perch on his lap, face buried in the crook of his neck, as he strokes the boy’s hair to soothe him. The sound of Levi crying is worse than all the screams of pain he heard from his comrades before a titan inevitably devoured them. That might be because Erwin is a selfish person who has always cared more about Levi than the hundreds of expendable soldiers who died at his command.

“I loathed myself for it,” Levi says eventually, “I didn’t regret it, but I hated myself.”

“For letting me die?” Erwin asks.

“Yeah, as selfish as that is…” Levi pauses, sighing loudly, “I hate myself for letting _anyone_ die. Isabel, Farlan, my squad… There’s nothing I could have done to stop it but I still hate that it had to happen. And when Sasha got killed it reminded me all over again that nothing ever changes, that everyone dies eventually.”

Erwin frowns. He never knew Sasha Braus as anything more than one of his soldiers, only interacted with her a few times in those three months before his death. But she joined Levi’s squad and Erwin knows all too well how much Levi cared for his subordinates, how much empathy he always had for them.

“When?” he asks, “When did she die?”

“Four years after Shiganshina. She was one of the few of us to survive all that shit. We went through so much but in the end she… She ended up with a bullet straight through her chest.”

“So you were fighting other humans,” Erwin concludes, and the thought makes him shiver, all the unknown horrors he wasn’t alive to experience.

“Things got real fucked up after you left us, Erwin. You have no idea.”

Erwin isn’t sure he ever wants to know what happened. Levi let him die so he could be at peace, atone for his sins. He thinks learning the truth about that world now would ruin him.

“I’m so sorry,” Erwin says again, “You’re so young, Levi. Too young to have to deal with all of this.”

Levi smiles at him and it’s clearly forced. “I dunno, it’s been better than last time,” he replies, “I’ve never gone more than a few hours without food, there was no Kenny to kick the shit out of me and I’ve never had to get my hands dirty.”

Erwin sighs. “But the fact you remember all of those things…”

“Is difficult, yeah. And sometimes I feel like I’m in fucking hell, that’s the only explanation for why I have to remember all that shit. But it’s okay now. It’s fine because I have you again.”

Erwin runs his fingers through Levi’s hair. It reminds him of times long ago, when Levi would sit in his lap as he read through battle reports.

“I hated you at first,” Levi admits.                                                      

Erwin can’t help grinning. “Like last time.”

“I think…” Levi sighs, shaking his head, “I think I was just angry because I’d been waiting for you for so fucking long, and to find out you were dating my fucking  _foster mom_...”

“I can understand that. It must have been-”

“Don’t. I don’t want your pity. Just shut up.”

Levi cups his face and kisses him now, with the desperation of someone who’s been waiting their whole life for this moment. For a while Erwin can’t help kissing back but then he stops himself, pulls himself away from the warm familiarity of Levi’s kiss and frowns.

“We can’t,” he says, and Levi makes a noise of frustration, “I… Not till you’re eighteen, at the very least. Maybe not even then. I don’t know if I could do that to Marie.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re still thinking of dating her after this? You’re unbelievable.”

“It’s complicated, Levi. I wish it wasn’t. I wish we could have met in other circumstances.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Time passes. They talk about the old days, about their old comrades. Erwin isn’t sure how much time goes by, but soon he’s getting texts asking where he is, whether he’s coming back to the office. He doesn’t answer any of them until Hange calls and he can’t bring himself not to.

“Hello,” he greets. He sounds stiff, unnatural.

“Erwin, where _are_ you?”

“I’m sorry, Hange, I’m busy.”

The utterance of their name makes Levi look up, curiosity in his eyes. Erwin smiles softly at him as if to say yes, it’s our Hange.

“Busy enough to skip work without explanation?” Hange questions him, sounding dubious, “This isn’t like you, Erwin. The hell is going on?”

“An emergency, of sorts.”

“Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine. Honestly.”

“Erwin,” Levi says, and his voice is too loud, far too loud, “ _Erwin_. Tell them.”

Erwin shakes his head, shoots Levi a warning look.

“Who was that?” Hange asks, “Erwin. Tell me what’s going on.”

He takes a deep breath, pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can’t. Goodbye, Hange.”

Erwin hangs up, and Levi is glaring at him like he’s gone fucking insane.

“What?” Erwin asks, “You expect me to tell them I found my lover from a past life?”

Levi’s face softens. “Lover,” he says, “Your lover.”

“Then, not now. I… We can’t do that, not this time.”

“Stop kidding yourself,” Levi says, with a harshness that takes Erwin off guard, “You’re just trying to be the good guy but _fuck it,_ Erwin. Fuck it all to hell. I don’t give a shit about what’s wrong or right, not anymore. You’re the only thing in my life that feels _real_.”

Erwin understands that. His whole life up until now he’s felt lost, like a part of him has always been missing. He could never come to grips with what it meant until now.

“I love you, Erwin,” Levi tells him, sincere, and something in Erwin just _breaks._

“I love you. My god, Levi. I could never love anyone else.”

“Then leave everything else behind. I want to be with you forever.”

Erwin opens his mouth to protest, then stops himself. He sighs, resigning himself to the reality of the situation, too selfish to pretend anymore. He never imagined he'd end up in a situation like this - who would? It's crazy, but now everything just fits into place, like Erwin's found the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle he didn't know he's been trying to complete all these years.

“I can’t lose you again,” Levi says, “I just can’t.”

Erwin cups Levi’s face in his hands, presses their foreheads together. “I’m here now,” he reminds him, “It’s over, we’re safe. No more fighting.”

“No more fighting,” Levi repeats, and he smiles.

“We can’t run away together,” Erwin says, “As much as I wish we could, it wouldn’t work out. And what about Isabel and Farlan?”

Levi closes his eyes tight, like the painful memories of the past have flashed before them once more. “I can’t leave them behind,” he realizes now, “Not again.”

“So… I’ll break up with Marie, as much as I hate the thought of doing that. We'll stay in touch, you can visit me whenever you like. And then maybe when you turn eighteen…”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Levi stands from the couch, gazes down at Erwin with a look of pure admiration. He leans down to fiddle with his tie, tightening it, then presses a kiss to Erwin’s forehead. His lips linger there for a moment. When he pulls back, Erwin sighs, staring absently down at the floor.

“Erwin,” Levi says, “Look at me.”

He looks up. Levi places his right hand over his heart in a fist, the other behind his back. The sight of him doing that in his casual, modern clothes is so out of place that Erwin almost wants to laugh. He doesn't.

“What’s that for? There’s no Survey Corps anymore, Levi.”

“This isn’t me dedicating my heart to humanity,” Levi tells him, and he smiles, looking like he’s finally at peace, “I’m devoting my heart to you.”

It’s all Erwin can do to rise from the couch, take Levi’s fist in his hands and press a gentle, reverent kiss to his fingers.

“And you have mine,” he promises, “You will always have mine.”


End file.
